a small death

I feel it coming - I have self-diagnosed my condition. My death is coming soon. A small death, you could say, though I feel the weight of it- death of the person I've been to a person I'm to become. I am cognizant of this coming end and I am already in mourning over the change it means to the me I've been. I'm not unaware that death, in this case, means a rebirth to a new me, perhaps even a better me- a me that can better handle this stage of life or at least be more prepared to handle it. But that doesn't change how I've loved the me I've been, how I've appreciated how this me has rolled with the punches and triumphed in the bad time, found ways to stay positive.

I hope I like the new me as well.

go get some one else's blood

It is way after dark. Aren't you suppose to be abed with your posse? Why are you out? No, my sweet blood is not available for your enjoyment- get real! I have other plans for that ambrosia-liquid, and none of them involve sacrificing any drops to your blood-lust.

So, go away- and find some other bank to steal from. I've have had quite enough of you.

I hear you

I know that you worry about me. That you don't even like that part of me. But, I love it.

I lead a very public life. I post my comings, goings, happenings- fun and sad. Pictures of this and that- and of as many tasty morsels as I can. I enjoy it. Sharing the adventure is a riot- my version of extreme sports, you could say.

But, not everything is in the communal view- I promise. There is still the quiet, silent private life. I definitely pick and choose what's "out there" for others to enjoy. And, believe you me, there is still enough for me to enjoy and relish all to my own.

And with my wicked smile, I will move forward with my way no matter what you say. Just know, that I hear you. I've not parceled out everything.

please listen

She looked at me breathless, "Can you do something about this?"

What the hell did she want me to do?! It was only a matter of time before she was pursued. She was naive to think she could avoid it for too long. And really? She's silly to think that I can do anything for her.

There's nothing that I can do, except tell her to grow a pair and handle her own business like the grown woman that she is.

I take a deep breath and look in the mirror. She's more stubborn than she looks. You could almost mistake her for being soft and sweet- in fact, many do; but the inner circle knows better. I exhale and brace myself.

O, God, I hope she listens.

can you help me remember

I know that is has been a while and that you've moved on, but I need your help.

You told me once that I had the ability to shrink a man's balls to the size of raisins, to suck out every bit if his testosterone, to hand his manhood back to him sliced and served on a silver platter; and still, at the end of it, make him love me anyway. But in the process, the boundaries were defined and we could move on smoothly, easily as friends.

Bless you, you would know better than many others how that goes down- I was in my prime then. But now, I am out of practice and somehow back on the field. I need to remember the balance I struck, so that I can pull off plays like that once again.

I have the feeling I am going to really need that skill moving forward.

don't look at me

Don't look at me like that. You don't have to understand. I am not asking you to- I am not asking you to like me even-

I fear it. Getting close to you will make me weak.

You will sucker me in. Encourage me to depend on you; I will learn to depend on you; and then I will want to depend on you. And in the climax of need, when I am dependent, you will fail me. And I will be crushed.

So, let's just not go there, if you don't mind.
Appreciate the thorns that keep us apart- see down the road? The thorns serve good purpose to protect from future ruin.

Dear Legs,

Dear Legs,

I know that I should strive to keep you bruise-free (you know, sexy-smooth and all that), but I'm just not that kind of girl. And I know that you are well aware of that, considering our history. But on top of that, I'm (we're) going tubing today. Bruises are bound to appear- the consistent battle of water vs. rocks vs. tube. I'm sorry that I'm such a tomboy, but you know that we always end up having the best of times- no matter what we are doing.

I know that you are excited about the short sexy black dress and going out on the town, but that event will have to wait; today it is all about the fun- no matter the cost. A few black and blues are worth it, I think.

Thank you for getting me there. I'll rub you with lotion when we're done. And I promise, we will rock the dress soon- after you've healed (well, mostly).

Love,

Me

there's no one else

You've got to understand-
No matter what happens,
Or how things proceed-
No one else will care,
Or is suppose to-
As much as you and I do.
We are together in this forever. Period.
So, we might as well get on the ball,
And play nicely with each other.
We know the typical rules,
But we can make up our own as we go-
And, please, let's go!
Let's focus on the good parts,
And leave behind the dead weight.
Let it lay and rot.
Sure, I know that healing will be slow,
And there's no regeneration.
But, moving forward is better
Than waiting in one spot;
Or worse regressing further.

the look

You are welcome to look at me like that anytime- because you and I, on that level, are made of the same grit. I don't know when we crossed that threshold, but cross it we did; and thank the heavens- because that look I see coming out of your eyes towards me...it melts all my convictions and warms my core. The heat runs through my limbs and I am ready to be all yours. So, you are welcome to look. Because when you do, I don't give a damn about "suppose to" or "shouldn't do."

look, this is how it is...

Look, I am really happy for you- really, I am. But it just doesn't mean to me what it means to you. Before, it would have. I would have been genuinely excited and ignorantly happy in that hopeless romantic kind-of-way; but that isn't who I am anymore. I've grown cynical, untrusting. So, I am really happy for your happy moment; and I think that I can even be genuinely, hopelessly-romantic-happy for YOU; but I understand that- for me- that kind of giddiness is gone.

And even to the point of hearing your happy news, I have to remind myself to be happy for you; instead of my natural response of "please, dear god, think through what you are doing."

So, just understand, I am giving you all I can. Asking for anymore would just be plain impolite. It isn't nice to rub someone else's nose in happy.

liar

This blog is an experimentation in writing. It allows me to express and to practice; to get feedback on a craft that I would like to develop.

Which leads me to remind you that not everything you read is entirely true.

---

I am such a liar.
Of course it is all true. In some way, in some fashion- the words that are written have some shade of truth about who I am, how I am.

The disclaimer stays in place, though- just in case. I wouldn't want to scare away the normals with my crazy.

the hell with that-

look what I found:


Just kidding.
Breathe your collective sigh of relief.
The collective outcry was too much-
And I am too much of a chicken to defy you.

Written: 10/16/2008


Boy, a lot has changed in 19 months. I defy you because you have long since defied me; and I am no longer playing nicely. I am no longer turning the other cheek. I am no longer the sweet, submissive door mat. Cry; outcry- I don't care. Choke on that collective sigh of relief for all I care.

My chicken-shit days are over.
I choose the challenge. I choose the expression. I choose mounting fear and riding it until it wears out.

I am definitely not kidding anymore.

wanting more

He has the bluest eyes imaginable.
And loves to give direct eye contact.
Do you know what that is like? How you can lose yourself?

You look and fall in- the richness and warmth are breathtaking. The firmness, the comfort, the ability to make you feel lovely and interesting: all that is there too.

Who would want to leave this place?

But eventually, you have to: you look away, he looks away, something outside breaks eyes contact. And you breathe again....realizing the air inside was sweeter, deeper, more alive.

The experience is absolutely intoxicating. And you always, ALWAYS, want more.


Previously Written: 9/09/2008

incessant pounding

I listen to the rain in the peak of the night and think of you. The wind cools my hot skin as it blows in through the open window; and I think of nights past, buried deep in my past, when we spent stormy nights together.

The smell of late spring thunderstorms remind me of your skin- the wild, sweetness of it. And as lightening flashes, I remember our outlined edges and how distinction wasn't important.

The gray color reminds me of our love-lust when staying in meant as much adventure as heading out. And when all I see is gray, I can't help but feel a certain itch, a deep inner longing that craves satisfaction from you. I am blind with want...

And wet. Because nothing I do prevents the dampness from each droplet permeating my clothes, my skin. And even though I've long since come in from the wet outside, I'm still not dry on the inside-

And I teeter on the edge of madness, because the incessant pounding, the rhythm reminds me....and in this moment of anticlimactic satisfaction, I am fully, unadulteratedly teased.

alone, at last

So, for the longest time, there's been someone watching; and I've recently taken care of that...oh, no. Don't ask. You don't want to know. Just know that it was important to me to be alone with you- there are things I'd like to say in private- and now, I can.

the game

There is this delicious, tantalizing drama that unfolds between men and women, particularly when in groups that makes the whole game so entertaining; or at least entertaining for the causal observer. There is a lot at stake for the players- plans and designs and strategic moves can fall to dust in an instant, a whole evening's build up, gone- like an orgasm you hoped was going to rock your body instantly evaporating because something got in the way- or didn't (as the case may be).

The air is thick with unsaid words, with heavy looks disguised as nonchalant glances- with bodies pulling towards the magnet of their affectionate desire, of their passionate lust.

Choices are made to pull in attention, to ignore the obvious-
Some work at their moves so strenuously, that sweat runs down the soft, dark spots of their bodies as they concentrate on their end game; others are so oblivious and carefree to the seduction fumes in the air, they traipse gypsy-like until smacked with the love-lust that leaves them stunned- and then easy prey for the takers.

---

In this particular case, the girls knew their plans were done. Their ideas for what could be, the climax that they had hoped for- was gone. The boys were giggling now. Their concentration was diverted by the silly smoke sexy-swirling through their lungs. The game was over- boys that giggle can't focus on the goodies.

bring it

He gave me a side glance, a quick evaluation to see how I was going to handle it. And when I was just fine, I saw his eyes widen only the slightest increment and a tiny smirk mar his lips. He was trying to hide the fact that I had surprised him. He didn't expect me to come out on the other side without some embarrassing display or reaction; instead, I came out looking like a pro- calm and steady.

Bring it, little boy. I got this.

no 3x5's this time

"Didn't have a camera by my side this time- hoping I would see the world through both my eyes. Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose my way with words." John Mayer

I didn't bother to take my camera with my this time. Like John, I was hoping to live completely engaged in the situation the entire time. I didn't want to have to stand back to capture the experience- for memories, for others. I will remember perfectly for myself; and next time, you should come along.

"just chillin"

Sometimes you just need to sit there and let the wave pass. If they ask you how you're doing- lie. Say, "just chillin;" and they'll let it go. Don't mention the heat, the roaring flame; the desire of evil doings- the absolute lust of mischievous actions, the thoughts acting like life-oxygen and making you crazy.

A blase, "Nope. I'm good," will suffice every time.

Camping

I went camping this weekend. I haven't been camping for a very long time, so it was definitely a serious refresher course on what and how- and too, on why.

The short road trip to North Carolina's Uwharrie National Park ("Land of Many Uses") was lovely and fairly easy. The gravel road drive through to the campsite was (unsurprisingly) bumpy and a little confusing- it was dark, afterall. Leaving my car in a general purpose parking lot, because it wouldn't make it to the campsite...well, now, that just made me giggle- until I took the trip to get to the site. And then, I was holding on for dear life.

And now, I can laugh. Holding on for dear life....HA! I had no idea what I was in for the next day- with the Jeeps rock crawling the trails.

And I packed "rough" clothes. I had seen the mud that was available for clothing destruction in previous pictures and videos- but I don't think I really, really thought through the mud situation. Several mud showers in one day- that's a lot. My white doo-rag will never forgive me.

And then there's the community time around the campfire and the generous spirit of all involved. Nothing like it. Sharing time and food with people around a warm, bright fire- talking and laughing in the outdoors.

I am definitely ready for the next camping trip and hope to add it to my list common events in my life, because each time, each campfire will be uncommon.

a good time

How do you measure a good time?

I think I use different gauges for different events-
But this is what it was like for me this morning and why I knew it was a good time.

The alarm pierced my dreamlike state and I was violently reminded that I needed to get an early start. I stretched greedily and buried my head full of curls into the pillow in protest to the idea of accepting the start of new day with less than 3 hours of sleep to support me.

Ah, but that's the give-and-take of it: awesome late nights collect their bills come the morning time.

Then I listened to morning-quiet outside sounds. I peeked out to see the early-gray of the day. I steeped in the goodness of my sore body and muscles; in the pasty-yuk of my overnight mouth; in the twisted state of my sleeping bag- I had indeed been camping and having a fabulous time! And it was over. Time to leave.

And so I did. Rolling up my sleeping bag, gathering all my things, saying goodbye to the red-embers of last night's fire, brushing my teeth and spitting into the leaves- only took moments. A few added moments to say my goodbyes. And a few more for traversing the seeming-endless gravel roads of the park.

And then, I was on HWY 49:
Gulping my weekend-stale water from the Nalgene bottle- accepting its stagnant taste as one of the sweetest, most refreshing moments of hydration- ever (I was really thirsty and dehydrated from a night of alcoholic debauchery). Watching the sun turn the gray clouds silvery-white; and appreciating how beautiful green leaves against a gray sky truly is in my sight. Listening to Candlebox on the local rock station- knowing that it was the perfect soundtrack-like song for the ending credits of my trip.

And somewhere in the mix of it all- I breathed deeply and sighed heavily- so very happy and so very satisfied. This was the measure of my good time this time.

a little much

Last night, I had a little much. Is there such a thing as a "little" much- maybe, I should just be honest, it was much. And it was good. So, last night, I had much good. And somehow, I kept it mostly together. It was definitely not all together- but mostly. No one turned me in, so I figure that means it was a successful night.

I was the last abed.
Everyone else turned in- and me? I was nervous that my legs wouldn't carry me towards the tent; in fact, I was worried that they would never really work again. I figured that I was enjoying a successful run of sitting in my borrowed lawn chair and watching the fire turn to embers- why try something new?

And so, I sat; and watched the world around me turn monochromatic (except for the red embers). There were all sorts of shades of gray- and I thought, "isn't that so much like life?" I sat and listed to the wind pick up and shake the tree limbs and rustle the leaves; and I thought: "This is truly the most amazing melody I've heard in quite sometime."

And then it happened-
I knew that my legs were going to be just fine. I just needed to prod myself from the chair to the tent. But I stayed a little longer, and might have fallen asleep too- why not? How many times do I get to enjoy such a delicious moment of solitude in an almost monochromatic world with nature's nighttime symphony to delight my ears?

warning

I think to warn them: to print a custom t-shirt or get a tattoo on my forehead. They should know what they are getting into when they desire me, to befriend me, to seduce me. But then, if they think they're smart enough to out-wit me, to turn my head- then they should be able to read the signs. And so, my thought turns to uncompassionate vapor, and I breath in the woody, musky scent- like an incense. They should know better than to fool with a black magic woman; and if they're fool enough to think they'll survive unscathed, so be it. I will enjoy the game.

silver lined mountains

Can I even begin to tell you the majesty and adventure that I lavish in while long distance driving at night? Sounds silly- some of you might think crazy; but I absolutely love it.

I left work late- what else is new? And I frantically drove home so that I could pack- also very typical behavior. And an hour and a half later, with a filled gas tank- I am headed west. I relish in the sunset as I drive with the just-after rush hour traffic. I text friends- yes, I text while I drive- as I pass their house: "Just passed your house. Waving hi. Love you."

"Hi back. Be careful," they answer.

The lighted highway signs warn me that there's a detour- a major detour up ahead. I wonder if I should get out the map and figure out another way (no, I don't have a GSP device- and really, I don't want one. I would rather figure out my way any day), but I don't bother. I figure if I can read the signs- I should be good. I will enjoy the new road.

And enjoy it, I did.
A dark landscape, silver highlighted by the almost full moon. Absolutely breath taking- I remind myself over and over to keep my eyes on the road- for god sake. Thankfully, the only people out here on this road at this time of night are me and the truckers- and they seems to know well enough to keep away from that crazy girl in the Saturn Ion who seems to be dancing in her seat.

The path is lit before me- I just have to keep moving forward-
And I do.
With a unrestrained sense of adventure for the journey that lies before me.

the Ren in me just freaked out!

34th Annual Medieval Fair of Norman

So, Rand and I were at the 33rd annual Medieval Fair of Norman. It was my first official Ren Fest. I was so excited to be there; absolutely psyched that I knew the artist that were performing (thanks to Marc Gunn and his podcasts). I loved the atmosphere, the vibe. There was all kinds mingling at the Fest- one of my fav aspects of being apart of that sub culture.

I haven't been able to steer my course towards another Ren Fest lately. Life has been busy; my priorities in other places. And I have to admit, like a fair weather friend, my thoughts were turned towards celtic things with the passing of St. Patrick's Day. I have very fond memories of my celebrations in years past- and the t-shirts to prove it.

So, I've been thinking and jammin' to Ren Fest music and thinking how great it would be to alter my course for some enjoyment with those kind of folk- and without knowing it, my course has been steered for me. The 34th annual Medieval Fair is scheduled for the same weekend that I will be in OKC.

Coincidence- I think not!
You will find me at the stage enjoying the tunes of The Queen's Gambit; and maybe I can catch the jousting tournament as well.

OKC Bound

A year ago today- I was not here, I was there. And next week this time, I will be there, not here. Can I even begin to describe to you how excited I am? How much I am looking forward to retracing my steps a year later, a year older?

How I can't wait to go home. I love calling OKC home. I will always in that place in my heart, call OKC home.

I have people to see, favorite restaurants to visit, a fair to attend, a new baby to love, a family to share time with, a group to worship with, a group of professionals to visit with, a lovely lady to hug, a spaces beyond spaces to visit and say, "I'm here! I'm home! I've missed you! I didn't forget you! Look at me- I've grown, and you are now a part of me!"

Ah (sigh of major delight)- I am so excited.

I lust for the open road!

I've got a hot date with a long road coming up this week. AND I CANNOT WAIT! I enjoy road trips- even better when I enjoy the destination. And I have the extreme delight of driving to a place I love to call home and then driving back home. I mean, how can I girl lose with all those pluses involved in one experience.

I love the moment-
I am alone in the car, and it sinks in- "I am road trippin." I feel the release well within me; and the scream of delight bubbles up and escapes; and I turn up the music and jam out!

There are very few things that give me a feeling as good and free and juvenile and reckless and adventuresome as that.

I am headed west this coming week; and I cannot wait to get there, I cannot wait to experience getting there.