Dear Legs,
I know that I should strive to keep you bruise-free (you know, sexy-smooth and all that), but I'm just not that kind of girl. And I know that you are well aware of that, considering our history. But on top of that, I'm (we're) going tubing today. Bruises are bound to appear- the consistent battle of water vs. rocks vs. tube. I'm sorry that I'm such a tomboy, but you know that we always end up having the best of times- no matter what we are doing.
I know that you are excited about the short sexy black dress and going out on the town, but that event will have to wait; today it is all about the fun- no matter the cost. A few black and blues are worth it, I think.
Thank you for getting me there. I'll rub you with lotion when we're done. And I promise, we will rock the dress soon- after you've healed (well, mostly).
Love,
Me
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
there's no one else
You've got to understand-
No matter what happens,
Or how things proceed-
No one else will care,
Or is suppose to-
As much as you and I do.
We are together in this forever. Period.
So, we might as well get on the ball,
And play nicely with each other.
We know the typical rules,
But we can make up our own as we go-
And, please, let's go!
Let's focus on the good parts,
And leave behind the dead weight.
Let it lay and rot.
Sure, I know that healing will be slow,
And there's no regeneration.
But, moving forward is better
Than waiting in one spot;
Or worse regressing further.
No matter what happens,
Or how things proceed-
No one else will care,
Or is suppose to-
As much as you and I do.
We are together in this forever. Period.
So, we might as well get on the ball,
And play nicely with each other.
We know the typical rules,
But we can make up our own as we go-
And, please, let's go!
Let's focus on the good parts,
And leave behind the dead weight.
Let it lay and rot.
Sure, I know that healing will be slow,
And there's no regeneration.
But, moving forward is better
Than waiting in one spot;
Or worse regressing further.
the look
You are welcome to look at me like that anytime- because you and I, on that level, are made of the same grit. I don't know when we crossed that threshold, but cross it we did; and thank the heavens- because that look I see coming out of your eyes towards me...it melts all my convictions and warms my core. The heat runs through my limbs and I am ready to be all yours. So, you are welcome to look. Because when you do, I don't give a damn about "suppose to" or "shouldn't do."
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
look, this is how it is...
Look, I am really happy for you- really, I am. But it just doesn't mean to me what it means to you. Before, it would have. I would have been genuinely excited and ignorantly happy in that hopeless romantic kind-of-way; but that isn't who I am anymore. I've grown cynical, untrusting. So, I am really happy for your happy moment; and I think that I can even be genuinely, hopelessly-romantic-happy for YOU; but I understand that- for me- that kind of giddiness is gone.
And even to the point of hearing your happy news, I have to remind myself to be happy for you; instead of my natural response of "please, dear god, think through what you are doing."
So, just understand, I am giving you all I can. Asking for anymore would just be plain impolite. It isn't nice to rub someone else's nose in happy.
And even to the point of hearing your happy news, I have to remind myself to be happy for you; instead of my natural response of "please, dear god, think through what you are doing."
So, just understand, I am giving you all I can. Asking for anymore would just be plain impolite. It isn't nice to rub someone else's nose in happy.
Monday, May 17, 2010
liar
This blog is an experimentation in writing. It allows me to express and to practice; to get feedback on a craft that I would like to develop.
Which leads me to remind you that not everything you read is entirely true.
---
I am such a liar.
Of course it is all true. In some way, in some fashion- the words that are written have some shade of truth about who I am, how I am.
The disclaimer stays in place, though- just in case. I wouldn't want to scare away the normals with my crazy.
Which leads me to remind you that not everything you read is entirely true.
---
I am such a liar.
Of course it is all true. In some way, in some fashion- the words that are written have some shade of truth about who I am, how I am.
The disclaimer stays in place, though- just in case. I wouldn't want to scare away the normals with my crazy.
the hell with that-
look what I found:
Just kidding.
Breathe your collective sigh of relief.
The collective outcry was too much-
And I am too much of a chicken to defy you.
Written: 10/16/2008
Boy, a lot has changed in 19 months. I defy you because you have long since defied me; and I am no longer playing nicely. I am no longer turning the other cheek. I am no longer the sweet, submissive door mat. Cry; outcry- I don't care. Choke on that collective sigh of relief for all I care.
My chicken-shit days are over.
I choose the challenge. I choose the expression. I choose mounting fear and riding it until it wears out.
I am definitely not kidding anymore.
Just kidding.
Breathe your collective sigh of relief.
The collective outcry was too much-
And I am too much of a chicken to defy you.
Written: 10/16/2008
Boy, a lot has changed in 19 months. I defy you because you have long since defied me; and I am no longer playing nicely. I am no longer turning the other cheek. I am no longer the sweet, submissive door mat. Cry; outcry- I don't care. Choke on that collective sigh of relief for all I care.
My chicken-shit days are over.
I choose the challenge. I choose the expression. I choose mounting fear and riding it until it wears out.
I am definitely not kidding anymore.
wanting more
He has the bluest eyes imaginable.
And loves to give direct eye contact.
Do you know what that is like? How you can lose yourself?
You look and fall in- the richness and warmth are breathtaking. The firmness, the comfort, the ability to make you feel lovely and interesting: all that is there too.
Who would want to leave this place?
But eventually, you have to: you look away, he looks away, something outside breaks eyes contact. And you breathe again....realizing the air inside was sweeter, deeper, more alive.
The experience is absolutely intoxicating. And you always, ALWAYS, want more.
Previously Written: 9/09/2008
And loves to give direct eye contact.
Do you know what that is like? How you can lose yourself?
You look and fall in- the richness and warmth are breathtaking. The firmness, the comfort, the ability to make you feel lovely and interesting: all that is there too.
Who would want to leave this place?
But eventually, you have to: you look away, he looks away, something outside breaks eyes contact. And you breathe again....realizing the air inside was sweeter, deeper, more alive.
The experience is absolutely intoxicating. And you always, ALWAYS, want more.
Previously Written: 9/09/2008
incessant pounding
I listen to the rain in the peak of the night and think of you. The wind cools my hot skin as it blows in through the open window; and I think of nights past, buried deep in my past, when we spent stormy nights together.
The smell of late spring thunderstorms remind me of your skin- the wild, sweetness of it. And as lightening flashes, I remember our outlined edges and how distinction wasn't important.
The gray color reminds me of our love-lust when staying in meant as much adventure as heading out. And when all I see is gray, I can't help but feel a certain itch, a deep inner longing that craves satisfaction from you. I am blind with want...
And wet. Because nothing I do prevents the dampness from each droplet permeating my clothes, my skin. And even though I've long since come in from the wet outside, I'm still not dry on the inside-
And I teeter on the edge of madness, because the incessant pounding, the rhythm reminds me....and in this moment of anticlimactic satisfaction, I am fully, unadulteratedly teased.
The smell of late spring thunderstorms remind me of your skin- the wild, sweetness of it. And as lightening flashes, I remember our outlined edges and how distinction wasn't important.
The gray color reminds me of our love-lust when staying in meant as much adventure as heading out. And when all I see is gray, I can't help but feel a certain itch, a deep inner longing that craves satisfaction from you. I am blind with want...
And wet. Because nothing I do prevents the dampness from each droplet permeating my clothes, my skin. And even though I've long since come in from the wet outside, I'm still not dry on the inside-
And I teeter on the edge of madness, because the incessant pounding, the rhythm reminds me....and in this moment of anticlimactic satisfaction, I am fully, unadulteratedly teased.
alone, at last
So, for the longest time, there's been someone watching; and I've recently taken care of that...oh, no. Don't ask. You don't want to know. Just know that it was important to me to be alone with you- there are things I'd like to say in private- and now, I can.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
the game
There is this delicious, tantalizing drama that unfolds between men and women, particularly when in groups that makes the whole game so entertaining; or at least entertaining for the causal observer. There is a lot at stake for the players- plans and designs and strategic moves can fall to dust in an instant, a whole evening's build up, gone- like an orgasm you hoped was going to rock your body instantly evaporating because something got in the way- or didn't (as the case may be).
The air is thick with unsaid words, with heavy looks disguised as nonchalant glances- with bodies pulling towards the magnet of their affectionate desire, of their passionate lust.
Choices are made to pull in attention, to ignore the obvious-
Some work at their moves so strenuously, that sweat runs down the soft, dark spots of their bodies as they concentrate on their end game; others are so oblivious and carefree to the seduction fumes in the air, they traipse gypsy-like until smacked with the love-lust that leaves them stunned- and then easy prey for the takers.
---
In this particular case, the girls knew their plans were done. Their ideas for what could be, the climax that they had hoped for- was gone. The boys were giggling now. Their concentration was diverted by the silly smoke sexy-swirling through their lungs. The game was over- boys that giggle can't focus on the goodies.
The air is thick with unsaid words, with heavy looks disguised as nonchalant glances- with bodies pulling towards the magnet of their affectionate desire, of their passionate lust.
Choices are made to pull in attention, to ignore the obvious-
Some work at their moves so strenuously, that sweat runs down the soft, dark spots of their bodies as they concentrate on their end game; others are so oblivious and carefree to the seduction fumes in the air, they traipse gypsy-like until smacked with the love-lust that leaves them stunned- and then easy prey for the takers.
---
In this particular case, the girls knew their plans were done. Their ideas for what could be, the climax that they had hoped for- was gone. The boys were giggling now. Their concentration was diverted by the silly smoke sexy-swirling through their lungs. The game was over- boys that giggle can't focus on the goodies.
Monday, May 3, 2010
bring it
He gave me a side glance, a quick evaluation to see how I was going to handle it. And when I was just fine, I saw his eyes widen only the slightest increment and a tiny smirk mar his lips. He was trying to hide the fact that I had surprised him. He didn't expect me to come out on the other side without some embarrassing display or reaction; instead, I came out looking like a pro- calm and steady.
Bring it, little boy. I got this.
Bring it, little boy. I got this.
no 3x5's this time
"Didn't have a camera by my side this time- hoping I would see the world through both my eyes. Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose my way with words." John Mayer
I didn't bother to take my camera with my this time. Like John, I was hoping to live completely engaged in the situation the entire time. I didn't want to have to stand back to capture the experience- for memories, for others. I will remember perfectly for myself; and next time, you should come along.
I didn't bother to take my camera with my this time. Like John, I was hoping to live completely engaged in the situation the entire time. I didn't want to have to stand back to capture the experience- for memories, for others. I will remember perfectly for myself; and next time, you should come along.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
"just chillin"
Sometimes you just need to sit there and let the wave pass. If they ask you how you're doing- lie. Say, "just chillin;" and they'll let it go. Don't mention the heat, the roaring flame; the desire of evil doings- the absolute lust of mischievous actions, the thoughts acting like life-oxygen and making you crazy.
A blase, "Nope. I'm good," will suffice every time.
A blase, "Nope. I'm good," will suffice every time.
Camping
I went camping this weekend. I haven't been camping for a very long time, so it was definitely a serious refresher course on what and how- and too, on why.
The short road trip to North Carolina's Uwharrie National Park ("Land of Many Uses") was lovely and fairly easy. The gravel road drive through to the campsite was (unsurprisingly) bumpy and a little confusing- it was dark, afterall. Leaving my car in a general purpose parking lot, because it wouldn't make it to the campsite...well, now, that just made me giggle- until I took the trip to get to the site. And then, I was holding on for dear life.
And now, I can laugh. Holding on for dear life....HA! I had no idea what I was in for the next day- with the Jeeps rock crawling the trails.
And I packed "rough" clothes. I had seen the mud that was available for clothing destruction in previous pictures and videos- but I don't think I really, really thought through the mud situation. Several mud showers in one day- that's a lot. My white doo-rag will never forgive me.
And then there's the community time around the campfire and the generous spirit of all involved. Nothing like it. Sharing time and food with people around a warm, bright fire- talking and laughing in the outdoors.
I am definitely ready for the next camping trip and hope to add it to my list common events in my life, because each time, each campfire will be uncommon.
a good time
How do you measure a good time?
I think I use different gauges for different events-
But this is what it was like for me this morning and why I knew it was a good time.
The alarm pierced my dreamlike state and I was violently reminded that I needed to get an early start. I stretched greedily and buried my head full of curls into the pillow in protest to the idea of accepting the start of new day with less than 3 hours of sleep to support me.
Ah, but that's the give-and-take of it: awesome late nights collect their bills come the morning time.
Then I listened to morning-quiet outside sounds. I peeked out to see the early-gray of the day. I steeped in the goodness of my sore body and muscles; in the pasty-yuk of my overnight mouth; in the twisted state of my sleeping bag- I had indeed been camping and having a fabulous time! And it was over. Time to leave.
And so I did. Rolling up my sleeping bag, gathering all my things, saying goodbye to the red-embers of last night's fire, brushing my teeth and spitting into the leaves- only took moments. A few added moments to say my goodbyes. And a few more for traversing the seeming-endless gravel roads of the park.
And then, I was on HWY 49:
Gulping my weekend-stale water from the Nalgene bottle- accepting its stagnant taste as one of the sweetest, most refreshing moments of hydration- ever (I was really thirsty and dehydrated from a night of alcoholic debauchery). Watching the sun turn the gray clouds silvery-white; and appreciating how beautiful green leaves against a gray sky truly is in my sight. Listening to Candlebox on the local rock station- knowing that it was the perfect soundtrack-like song for the ending credits of my trip.
And somewhere in the mix of it all- I breathed deeply and sighed heavily- so very happy and so very satisfied. This was the measure of my good time this time.
I think I use different gauges for different events-
But this is what it was like for me this morning and why I knew it was a good time.
The alarm pierced my dreamlike state and I was violently reminded that I needed to get an early start. I stretched greedily and buried my head full of curls into the pillow in protest to the idea of accepting the start of new day with less than 3 hours of sleep to support me.
Ah, but that's the give-and-take of it: awesome late nights collect their bills come the morning time.
Then I listened to morning-quiet outside sounds. I peeked out to see the early-gray of the day. I steeped in the goodness of my sore body and muscles; in the pasty-yuk of my overnight mouth; in the twisted state of my sleeping bag- I had indeed been camping and having a fabulous time! And it was over. Time to leave.
And so I did. Rolling up my sleeping bag, gathering all my things, saying goodbye to the red-embers of last night's fire, brushing my teeth and spitting into the leaves- only took moments. A few added moments to say my goodbyes. And a few more for traversing the seeming-endless gravel roads of the park.
And then, I was on HWY 49:
Gulping my weekend-stale water from the Nalgene bottle- accepting its stagnant taste as one of the sweetest, most refreshing moments of hydration- ever (I was really thirsty and dehydrated from a night of alcoholic debauchery). Watching the sun turn the gray clouds silvery-white; and appreciating how beautiful green leaves against a gray sky truly is in my sight. Listening to Candlebox on the local rock station- knowing that it was the perfect soundtrack-like song for the ending credits of my trip.
And somewhere in the mix of it all- I breathed deeply and sighed heavily- so very happy and so very satisfied. This was the measure of my good time this time.
a little much
Last night, I had a little much. Is there such a thing as a "little" much- maybe, I should just be honest, it was much. And it was good. So, last night, I had much good. And somehow, I kept it mostly together. It was definitely not all together- but mostly. No one turned me in, so I figure that means it was a successful night.
I was the last abed.
Everyone else turned in- and me? I was nervous that my legs wouldn't carry me towards the tent; in fact, I was worried that they would never really work again. I figured that I was enjoying a successful run of sitting in my borrowed lawn chair and watching the fire turn to embers- why try something new?
And so, I sat; and watched the world around me turn monochromatic (except for the red embers). There were all sorts of shades of gray- and I thought, "isn't that so much like life?" I sat and listed to the wind pick up and shake the tree limbs and rustle the leaves; and I thought: "This is truly the most amazing melody I've heard in quite sometime."
And then it happened-
I knew that my legs were going to be just fine. I just needed to prod myself from the chair to the tent. But I stayed a little longer, and might have fallen asleep too- why not? How many times do I get to enjoy such a delicious moment of solitude in an almost monochromatic world with nature's nighttime symphony to delight my ears?
I was the last abed.
Everyone else turned in- and me? I was nervous that my legs wouldn't carry me towards the tent; in fact, I was worried that they would never really work again. I figured that I was enjoying a successful run of sitting in my borrowed lawn chair and watching the fire turn to embers- why try something new?
And so, I sat; and watched the world around me turn monochromatic (except for the red embers). There were all sorts of shades of gray- and I thought, "isn't that so much like life?" I sat and listed to the wind pick up and shake the tree limbs and rustle the leaves; and I thought: "This is truly the most amazing melody I've heard in quite sometime."
And then it happened-
I knew that my legs were going to be just fine. I just needed to prod myself from the chair to the tent. But I stayed a little longer, and might have fallen asleep too- why not? How many times do I get to enjoy such a delicious moment of solitude in an almost monochromatic world with nature's nighttime symphony to delight my ears?
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