a gold star among stars

"You," she said breathlessly with a little bit of a shiver, "get a Gold Star. No one has ever done this with me before."

"Really?" He asked with a touch of surprise in his voice.

She couldn't see his face - it was dark outside, after all. And she really needed to see it to know for sure whether he was in earnest or just kidding.

"Really," she answered firmly. She may be that kind of girl with him, but that didn't mean he could assume that she was that way with everyone. He was special to her; incredibly so. Didn't the idiot understand that?!

"Huh. Cool. You cold?"

He reached over and grabbed her in a possessively-affectionate way, settling her body close to his, almost on top of his. He threw the extra blanket around them, making sure she was as covered as possible.

She noticed; and her heart, trying to be guarded, melted on the spot. She gave in and snuggled-in close to him. Sharing body heat was going to be very important for the next few minutes.

They shared a contented sigh as they looked up at the dazzling starry night.

licking the...

eating fresh-made applesauce and exploring the web...
letting my mind wander and free-associate....
a daydream just before bed, if you will....

not thinking, sort of thinking, definitely thinking...

...and I came to with the spoon in my mouth...
part in...part out - again and again - in, out, in...

I wish you were here for this...
you wish you were here for this...

hmmm, I'm hungry

You hear about those female insects who eat their males after they've fucked themselves silly - Black Widows, for example. The female Praying Mantis does the same.

[By the way, there's a killer YouTube video showing you just that -- view at your own mental risk.]

And, previously, my response has been, "eww, gross" (cause, it kinda is...); or "that's a shame, who is she gonna get with now?" -- some other unsuspecting male in need of copulation, no doubt....

But, now. I understand.
I am not trying to scare you. I promise.

But, I'd eat you.
You're delicious.

(toothy grin)

Mountain-Zen

I had the lovely opportunity to experience mountain-zen this weekend.

I was expecting the fresh air. I was expecting the sweet-mountain water smell. I was hoping for a clear sky full of dazzling stars.

I knew that I would find a lot of quiet time to reflect; and to write. I knew that the greenness of the nature around me would seep into my soul and encourage self-growth.

What completely took me off guard was the laden apple tree in the front yard just off the deck. I didn't realize that such a wealth of nature's goodness would be right there saying: grab and eat. Hmmm...

And, so, I went apple picking this weekend. Completely unexpected and absolutely delightful. Among the 3 of us, we picked enough to fill 4 bags full and the tree is still full of apples...that may be ready in a week or two for more picking.

The apples are tart and crisp. Perfect for baking.
I've already started. I couldn't help myself. I had nature's treasure in my kitchen and it called to me for engagement and discovery.

I learned how to make applesauce tonight; and then manipulated a muffin recipe in order to make use of the applesauce. Wow. I am awed and grateful for this experience.

Damn you, Time!

Time, if a persona, suffers from multiple personality disorder.

And, in a particular case of such that I have suffered this evening - Time is a snarky, mischievous Puck, who dangles opportunities found and lost at the most inopportune moments.

How is it that something I've always wanted is offered, freely and enthusiastically - now - when my heart is closed for repair and mending?

Damn you, Time!
I'm subject to your placement of events and I will most certainly rant over the dastardly nuances of your personality that flash, piercingly at times.

But know this: you cannot touch my attitude of long suffering and perseverance as I travel through these obstacles that you've placed in front of me. I will triumph and sail through the experiences collecting life-points as I go.

Discovery is Here

I took Rand to one of my favorite spots recently. Well, it was one of my favorite spots...20 years ago. It seems like just yesterday. But as I surveyed the new growth, the trees and shrubs, I realized that a significant amount of time has indeed passed.

Not that I haven't noticed my birthdays coming and going - it was just a different kind of reminder that time has passed. I have grown, like these trees. I am different, just as this spot (with all its growth and development) has changed. There is new life all around, just as there is a new life with me this time. Life created from life, that will grow and sprout in its own way.

I sat on one of my favorite rocks from so long ago and marked how changed a spot can be - how time can make the exact same place look so different; can add features and fullness. I breathed in my memory of times past and my respect for new growth as the sun warmed the grass.

I savored the delight of my son as he discovered newness around him. His timidity wore off as his curiosity got the better of him - very much like someone else I know. I heard him splash in the water, saw him look for rocks to throw. I saw the light in his eyes grow. I heard his heart beating faster. I felt his mind learning.

And in the process, I learned.
Discovery is here. Around the bend. In familiar spots. In the hearts and minds of the people we love. In the appreciation for how things grow and change. In the honor and respect of times gone, memories savored.

In an innocent moment of passing down traditions discovery is found and treasured.

When the Id is Mad

Let's be honest. When isn't she mad?

Mad with anger
Madly in love
Half-crazed with madness

Take your pick.

She rages like a fuckin' volcano -- all the time. She knows no rest, no reason. She breathes passion and zeal. She chews the faint-of-heart and spits them out, not having the patience to encourage them to the higher road.

And lest she be branded a hypocrite, she deals herself the highest level of expectations and is quick to admit that after a review, she is left wanting more from herself.

Her madness is the raw energy from which she feeds...
And, she is always hungry; gluttonous for the filled-feeling of life, of everything at once, of nothing holding her back.

She lives in her madness, she wades though it; it keeps her warm at night and hot-flashed throughout the day.

The madness makes her wild and unknowable, unfathomable. Its intensity courses through her veins; and she often, from just being, exhausts her friends, her partners, her lovers.

And, when the madness is happy, there is no hope for humankind. Mere mortals, sadly, have no clue and can only stop blank-eyed and open-mouthed when the madness whispers the tantalizing dream of joy in the hope-seat of their soul.

Sunset in Virgina

I try to bravely face the end of life-chapters as they come. I'm not always great at it, but I am at least aware that a "grin and bear it" attitude will carry me through it easier than kicking and screaming at each modulation of the change. The end of something can often cause sadness, even fear, to well up within me; and I'm challenged to make a direct choice on how I will move beyond it.

There have been a handful of chapter-ends in my life this year; some that I anticipated with hopeful expectation and some that I only-just survived. I appreciate the opportunity to be challenged, to be forced to accept an end.

However graceful (or not) I chose to live through them, ends come. It's inevitable. An unchanging fact about how change impacts us. Ends are a poignant experience within a complete circle-cycle, because they end with a start: start, middle, end...start again.

That is what I think is the most compelling reason to bear through the particularly difficult ends, the ones that scare me the most or make me cry - it's the knowing that a start will begin. There's often no telling what the start will be (or what part of life it will affect); and it is interesting to note that how we handle the end can impact our new start....for good (hopefully) or for bad (regrettably).

I believe that we have the power to directly influence our lives through attitude and outlook. I, for one, don't really want to prolong any sadness in my life (or fear, for that matter). I accept, stoically, that sadness will come to me through any portion of the circle-cycle; but if it hits me at the end, I have the opportunity to positively affect my up-coming start by how I chose to honor the sadness and/or fear.

All experiences offer a lesson, if we are proactive enough participants in our own lives to learn and grow.

I took this picture on a trip to Virgina, a foreshadow of an end-coming in my life. But I am breath-taken at how lovely this end is and how the beauty of it speaks to my soul. I think of how many sunsets (the end of the day-cycle) speak to me with their loveliness. And that's the kind of reputation I'd like to carry: someone who handles the end of a circle-cycle with so much grace and beauty that others are left awed.

if you are ready to settle, move on please

Please, please - don't look at me and think that I might be the type of girl that you'd like to settle down with...

(ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little)

Look, it's not that I blame you for having the idea...

You're a man who's come to a point in his life where you're ready to find a nice girl, marry her, buy a house, make some babies and raise them. You've partied hard. You've achieved professional success. You've been in the ocean and checked out the fish.

Your biological clock is ticking...is getting louder....
You're feeling societal pressure to join the evolutionary trail, the process by which the species continues to thrive. A little closer to home, your parents (ok, your mom) keeps hinting how nice it would be to have some grandchildren to coddle.

You're looking around...and you see me: a pretty single mom engaged in a successful career with minimal drama, who is fairly pleasant and easy to get along with. Not a bad deal, you think. The existing kid serves to provide picture-perfect family in no time flat, giving your mom instant grandmahood status and relieving the tick-tock pressure in your mind.

Don't take this the wrong way; and don't think that I don't appreciate your attention. But, save us both some trouble and just keep looking.
I'm not a good idea if you're concerned with achieving the status quo for adult life, if you're waiting to enjoy that contented sigh of finally settling down.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy contented sighs from time to time:
After a tickle-fest session with the kid...
After a day of rock crawling through muddy trails...
After a night of dancing and rocking-out to live music...
After a long morning of orgasmic-sex...

But, if you'll notice, my contented sighs aren't associated in the slightest with the idea of settling...Instead, they are associated with thrill and passion...with heat and sweat and lust.

I'm the type of girl that still plans on sowing wild oats, plenty of them....with the right kind of guy.

The kind of guy that isn't ready to settle; who'll never be ready to settle.

June 2011 Beach Trip

Not much beats the delighted reply from my child, "Really, Mommy? We are going to the beach?!"

Unless, of course, it is the salt-smell that slowly starts to permeate the air as you get closer to the coast. Or the first-glimpse of the ocean on the horizon as you drive past public beach access spots. Or the heat and grit from the sand on the parking lot pavement that immediately finds its way between your toes.

I knew that this year would be different, but I wasn't sure what exactly to expect. And so, I prepared the opportunity for him, hoped he would engage and stepped back to watch the play unfold.

And these are the things I noticed:

He was bigger and a little more confident in his ability to face the ocean waves. He didn't really need his mommy to play, only a board so that he could learn the surf and how it plays on the wet sand. He reached out to other children as they dug deep and built high, realizing (without realizing) that the beach often levels the playing field.

And, it is these things, these advancements in his development that make adventures with my kid so much fun for me.

Flirt

Oh, you are such a flirt. I wouldn't have pegged that in the beginning...or in the middle for that matter. It took getting all the way here, to the end and after it, to realize that you are a natural born playa.

I am not too upset, because it was nice (very nice) to be played by you. You were so gentle and sincere...almost like you were coming-to with me. As if you've been under, and just needed to wake up. I was more than happy to help.

And now that you are up and ready to go, I'm sad that I'm not your choice anymore. I would have enjoyed sowing wild oats with you, instead of watching from the cheering section.

Let me also say, I appreciate your periodic attention; thanks for throwing me a bone from time to time. It's kinda like an award certificate I get to post up and read, "In appreciation for your dedicated service..."

So, feel free to flirt with me all you like. I'll protect my heart and remind it that there's no chance. I can't get enough of the "look" in your eyes when your attention's on me. And honestly, my heart loves the associated flip-flop, so it'll be brave and act tough.